TW: A discussion of being triggered, rape, DV, etc.

As I've made clear here before, I'm a survivor of sexual assault.  Actually, to lay all of my credentials out there, I'm a survivor of sexual assault and abuse, the child of a DV/alcoholic household, and survivor of severe emotional abuse.  I've also experienced sexual harassment a few times.  I have a restraining order.  Basically, if it's a type of violence against women, I've lived through it or watched my mother live through it.  I'm not trying to win the Oppression Olympics here, just giving a little context here.  In fact, compared to some women, I've had it easy (that speaks volumes about how hostile the world can be).

I was first victimized by the boy I dated when I was thirteen and fourteen.  I'm twenty-two now, that was a long time ago.  I've mostly processed it.  I don't think I'll ever be completely "over it" (whatever that means), but as far as recovery goes, I don't think there's much left to do with that one.  Unfortunately, that's not my only experience with sexual violence.  My most recent experience was pretty recent, less than a year ago, although I don't feel comfortable leaving any specifics in such a public forum because that person could very well read this blog for all I know.  I will say that I had a great deal of trouble even processing that experience as sexual assault for a number of reasons, including the nature of our relationship and that natural instinct survivors have to blame ourselves.  Because of that, I'm still processing this experience.  I'm not an emotional mess--not since, say... January or so--but I definitely still have healing left to do.

At first, I was really concerned about how this experience would affect me as a sexual assault advocate.  I thought I might need to take some time off because I was afraid that I would find the work triggering.  As it turned out, not so.  I've never found the sexual assault job to be triggering, perhaps because I was already immersed in it when this happened, or maybe not, who knows?  In fact, I can read horribly graphic descriptions of rape, hear victims' stories just hours after they occur, and even watch horrifying rape scenes in movies without being triggered.  You know what does trigger me?  Trivialization of rape.  That gets me almost every time.

But first, let me explain for those of you lucky enough not to have to deal with and thus understand these things.  "Triggering" is the reaction a survivor has to, well, something that triggers them.  That can be anything--a certain sound, being in a certain place or position, something someone says, etc.  When a person is triggered, the results can vary.  That person could experience flashbacks to the incident, or they could have an intense emotional reaction (which could include anger, sadness, shame, fear, etc), or they could even go almost catatonic.  It's hard to say what being triggered looks like to someone else, but you know it when you experience it.  What triggering is not includes "being too sensitive," getting offended, and telling others what they can or cannot do/say.  Period.

So when I explain that making rape jokes trivializes rape (thus helping to maintain the rape culture) and can trigger survivors, there is only one correct reaction:  "Gee, you're right, I hadn't thought of that.  I'll try my best not to do that."  Wrong reactions include, but are not limited to, "but, but, but FREEDOM OF SPEECH!!1!," "if we run around trying not to offend anyone how can we ever tell jokes?!," "but I'm a rape victim and I think rape jokes are funny!," and etc.

In an unfortunate set of circumstances, I find people being rape apologists and/or trivializing rape (and especially justifying trivializing rape--as in all of the "wrong reactions" in the paragraph above) super triggering.  It upsets me because it reminds me not only that the culture doesn't give a shit about what happened to me, but that so many of the people I've trusted with this knowledge also don't give a shit about what happened to me.  When I see my friends interacting with my rapists, they trivialize what happened to me, and as a sort of rape apologist bonus prize, they also trigger me.  It's fantastic.  Really.  (By "fantastic" I mean "awful.")

So when I explain that rape jokes are bad and you shouldn't make them, don't try to have some grand philosophical discussion with me about censorship.  I'm not interested.  It derails the conversation, trivializes my feelings about the subject, (often) compares rape to things that are not rape, and reminds me that you don't have to care about these things because they're not real to you.  In so doing, you remind me just how real these things are to me.  I am not allowed to have the apathy that you can have, if you so choose.  That is a luxury that was taken from me a long time ago.

And boom goes the dynamite.

So the Guttmacher Institute has proven the existence of the war on women.  As in, the GOP has introduced 916 anti-woman bills since seizing control of basically everything in 2010.  Oh shit, I just got truth all down my shirt.

Two things, totally unrelated to one another.

First, go read this piece about female strength, The Hunger Games, and traumatic adolescent experiences.  Trigger warning!  Oh, and maybe a spoiler alert too, I guess?  Go read the series first.  =P

Also, I got the job at the abortion clinic.  The official title is Phone Counselor/Educator/Receptionist.  Basically, taking phone calls which can range from counseling to standard appointment making, counseling patients before their procedures, and, well, receptionist-ing.  It's an amazing opportunity, and I start on Wednesday.  Yay!!

Okay, that's all for now.  I'll try to get better about updating regularly, but I'm in paper season at school, so it may take a few weeks.

I see what you're trying to do there, but no.

Okay.  I don't exactly make it a secret that I think Republicans are, well, for lack of a better word, inhumane.  I'll admit my very strong party bias against them (not that I'm exactly thrilled with the Democratic party--mostly because I just can't get down with capitalism--but, well, that's neither here nor there).  They're perpetrating the war on women.  I can't abide that.

So when I wrote on facebook about Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker repealing the Equal Pay Enforcement Act, and a Republican friend of mine (I know, it sounds like an oxymoron) replied that the point of repealing this act was to prevent "unnecessary judicial costs," I chose to just not respond, because in all other things, I respect this person.  I understand that, as a Republican, you have to make everything about money.  I get it.

But that's not what's going on here.  This is about making sure that women are discriminated against.  Making it more possible, legally.  Don't just take it on my word, let Senator Grothman tell you himself.  He says that money is less important to women.  He also doesn't believe in the gender wage gap.  He also is a poor excuse for a human being.

So to all of those Republicans who are war on women-apologists:  just stop it.  We're not stupid.  We can see for ourselves what's happening here.  Hint:  it's not about money.  It's about misogyny.  And we're not going to take it lying down.

Fuck you very much, Scott Walker.

Apparently, he doesn't think equal pay for equal work is, ya know, good.  But, hey, at least no one's trying to fool anyone anymore:  this is war.

A day in the life of THIS feminist.

And it's a great one!

First, here it is, at last, my guest post on feministing.com!  Eeeee!

Also, I just scored an interview at a local women's center/abortion clinic to become a phone counselor.  Yes!!

I'm also going to be meeting with one of my VDay actors today to rehearse her piece.

I wish more days could be like this.

There is not a single state in this country in which one can afford a two bedroom apartment working the minimum wage for 40 hours per week.

In this state, one would have to work more than 88 hours per week to afford such an apartment.

Well.  That's really encouraging, seeing as how I'm about to start paying my rent.  *Blink*