Trigger warning: I'm going to talk about sexual assault, emotional abuse, and stalking in this post. It won't be graphic, but feel free to spare yourself.
A friend of mine, a good friend who is in my circle of friends at school, was sexually harassed by another student in... 2010, if memory serves. She told the circle of friends at a later time, and the boy who committed the act was socially ostracized (he was also a part of this social circle). He deserved it, he's a creep. This is a good example of a circle of friends coming together to support a friend who was sexually victimized. This is a good moment in feminism, in my book. The perpetrator was blamed, not the victim. The perpetrator experienced some form of justice (the victim was not going to press charges, and so this is the closest thing to "justice" we could achieve). We've also warned the freshman girls about this guy when he has tried to swoop in on them. Things that are good.
I have been victimized by two people in my life. I'm not going to get too specific, as I'm trying to avoid stirring up drama. In each case, my attacker was either my boyfriend or ex-boyfriend, and he was a part of whatever social circle is involved. Mutual friends and such, although in each case, the friends started off as my own friends and accepted him into the fold either as we were getting together or just after. It feels so silly and trivial to establish this context, but I think it matters.
In each case, when I told my circle of close friends what happened--about my attacks and chronic abuse and, in the most recent instance, stalking--their first reaction was disgust at his behavior and sympathy for my situation. Things that are good. However, in each case, they also didn't actually reject him from the social circle. In each case, he was still deemed "friend material." Eventually, they stopped even pretending to know what had happened between us... even though they did. In the most recent instance, the circle of friends in question is the circle of friends I mentioned in my first paragraph. The same people decided that my attacker was worth keeping in the fold, so to speak. And so while I have blocked all forms of contact between us (out of necessity, again, stalking), they still chat with him casually, bring him up in conversation with me as if it doesn't matter. This group of friends includes feminist allies.
I know, I know. I should never ask my friends to take sides after a break up, and when we first broke up (before things got really ugly), I was very clear about there being no sides to take. But is it so much to ask for my feminist ally friends to at the very least not chat about my attacker with me as if we're still friends, now that they know the things they know? I can't ask my friends to vilify him the way I have, I know. I just... didn't think I'd have to, I guess. I remember feeling so proud of my friends when they held the sexual harasser accountable for his actions--it's so rare, especially in a college context. I suppose that's what makes this extra disappointing. They already know what sexual assault is (and so they know that just because I didn't have a gun held to my head doesn't mean it wasn't assault), they have been supportive of victims in the past... So what happened?
Of course, I've been drifting apart from my friends as of late anyway (although, that started at about the time I told them what happened and they continued to socialize with him, so I suppose these things are related), but this certainly contributes to the feeling of disconnection I have with them now. It certainly makes me feel as if they don't care what happened to me, or that they don't take me seriously, or that they just value the other victimized friend more, or that they just value the friendship of my attacker more than my friendship.
I don't know. Perhaps this isn't really relevant to feminism. Maybe I'm just a survivor who's disappointed by the response of her friends. Then again, that's pretty relevant to feminism. Perhaps this is just passive aggressive, knowing that my friends could very well read this. Perhaps this is me hoping that they'll read it and at least be more tactful about it if they're going to be friends with him.
Sorry, this was long. I'll do something less personal next time, I promise.
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